Monday, February 28, 2011


Since the dawn of time, many great leaders have stood out among billions of other faceless people. In the world of literature, none have stood out quite as prominently as His Majesty, William Shakespeare. Over the course of his reign as the King of Fictitious True Stories, Princess William Smith wrote over 9912 plays, all of which were autobiographical. His works were more influential than influenza, and more contagious than a house on fire.  Aside from his many life achievements, which ranged from declawing a litter of 12 cats in 11 seconds to having the most publicized bromance in all history, he also found time to be immortal. However, with all of his best years gone, he now resides in the basement of the Stratford theatre.

                One of the many reasons why Shakespeare was such a brilliant pole dancer, was because of his fantastic to crawl under the skirts of the queen. I mean really, what did you think was going on down there? He also managed to have a hand in parliamentary matters, quite literally. They fashioned a small opening in the wall through which Shakespeare stuck his hand through to pen the rebuttals. His witty comebacks were the root cause of countless wars, and the main reason the Queen thought necessary to implement a law stating that all parrots must be treated as Gods.

                After writing such classics as Legally Blonde and Bambi, Shakespeare moved on to more serious matters, such as building the first bridge to the moon, constructed entirely of toothpicks and the tears of orphaned children. Unfortunately, due to poor budgeting and lack of planning the bridge ended up spanning the distance between Earth’s moon and Mars. Due to this, it has not seen much use and those who wish to use Shakespeare’s Moon Bridge are daunted by Space Trolls and surly toll booth men, who have wives who refuse to bring them sandwiches.

                However, Shakespeare was not always such a grand contributor to society. Over the course of his never-ending life, he has committed numerous felonies, including breaking into the white house and mooning JFK. Shortly after, JFK organized his own assassination. Shakespeare became a renowned plastic surgeon, working on such celebrities as Sylvester Stallone and Prince Charles’s ears. His practice closed quite recently, when police found remnants of old Chinese takeout containers that he was allegedly using as the reconstructive filler for his patients. As of this date, Shakespeare has joined the ranks of many before him, milking his fame for all it’s worth.

                If one does not agree with the undeniable evidence that proves Shakespeare was an unidentified Russian Spy, then they must at least agree he was as influential as it gets when it comes to literature and the gastronomic delights of fine home cooked road kill. It is important for generations to experience his work, but they need not hurry, because the life and times of this King have only just begun. With eternity ahead of him, he can take all the time he needs to perfect whatever whim is foolish enough to cross his path, and we can only hope we’ll still be around to gasp in awe at the glory that is Alec Baldwin.

Written by Matthew Broderick and myself (Though mostly him). We had some fun.

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